Dream of Invocation

I was fucked on the way from Wuhan to Guangzhou south, my loved  MAC was stolen when I opened my bag the next day, instead there were 2 magazines,  can’t imagin how the bloody thief did that and took it away. I was carefully all the way, but accident did happened. However, it might be another lesson though in this society, where there is no security, pricipal or even body safety. I should depend entirely upon myself, otherwise there will be endless unexpectation keep coming in my next journeys. It seems everyone is in rush, everyone lives under strong pressure. There are many extrordinarily important data that I never backed up in the hard drive, so they lost forever. Can’t read financial news, economic activities, or even check my personal email and instant message. But in that morning, perfect peace and quiet was left for me in such big office, My brain was empty with too much load, it took me back to the past memories in U.K. with friends, when were all happy, had dreams, travelled, and a lot to strike for. I hope they could happen again, indeed I do.

Selina told me maybe god was blessing you away from evils that moment, don’t worry, you are safe and it is important. Thanks to her who gives me strengh when I was weak.

Stayed 3 year there, the most impressed time was the last year when I fell I was myself, studied, cooked, drank, traveled, cried, argued, shopped, ironed, smoked of course. I found myself totally enjoyed that kind of mixture, even intended to continue phd studies. Compared to the first 2 years,  when I was easily refusing things that I was not familiar; I stayed with myself most of the time in the 3rd year. Even the living room was small, I was quite at home with the bed, wardrobe, desk, washing basen and the mirror. I cooked almost everyday if I was not in exam time, smoked in the front door of house 5, Hillside Court, chatted with the indian guy, italian boy, french beauty, english gay, and the turkish girl; they were all kind except the english who was quite cheap and enjoyed free food so much. They sent me cards with their wishes before I left the country. Oliver came to study with me when exams were approaching, all he wanted was to improve his academic grades, however, he failed. So after graduation, it seemed he disappeared.

But now, I’m lost again, everywhere is over populated, there is too much change any moment before solid systems will be formed in a long future. Fell I’m not the one when I was in Reading town, little paid with the current work. But what shall I do? People don’t have too much choice here, all I can do is to deceive myself and accept what is called “you are building your foundamental, no one reaches to the top in one day”, am I dreaming of the top? No, not all, all I want is what I deserve. Frencesco the Italian guy who shared the same house with me told me I deserved success, even if I maybe will success in one day, but how can I be myself if I never enjoyed my life?

The second snow in 2009 as I know dropped at the end of September in Chinese calendar, my mum told me it never had happened so early in her life. My father left in the morning, of course with much disappointment. The snow somehow showed my cold heart, like falling to the bottom of the current life cycle. It reminds me when I moved to Reading last year, observing people moving in and moving out, I was wondering where could I go when I graduate. It become an obvious question now. After months’ time hunting for a proper job, I am still waiting right here and staying in the room. I questioned myself and the society, maybe I don’t really know enough about the society, nor am I so outstanding. Initially I was confident, well prepared both mentally and physically when flying back. But when I know more how the capital market functions, and become familiar with how competitive the graduates are, I am lost and find no way; the only last thing left is the little worthless honur. Moreover, the invisible relationship could strongly influence the distribution of the job opportunities.

When I was trying to watch the newly released film about the end of the world, I came across the film about the founding of the country. They began with nothing but ended with everything, it was tough and risky in all the steps. Maybe I should change my attitude, lower down my expectation, forget what I have learnt, and accept how the society is going on. Otherwise I could be banished by the society. Another thing I could carry on is keep believing, I should and I will.

昨天去戏院广场溜冰, 6姐准备跟妈妈坐旋转木马, 妈妈说她怕, 所以就搁浅了. 后来5姐回忆, 她说, 咱小时候还真没坐过旋转木马, 不过咱在黄鹤楼旁边坐过飞机, 记得那时候是在黄鹤楼下来去了游乐场, 爸爸给我们买好票, 然后我们两人共一驾, 飞机只有两个按纽, 一个控制高一个控制低. 我也清楚记得那些童年的点滴, 她们总把我当宝贝, 保护着我. 回家过中秋节, 这么多年后大家聚在一起, 喝酒, 赏月, 作诗吟词. 我还是生疏的步伐滑动在广场, 发现身边穿过的年青人滑的好快, 有些帅气的孩子光着膀子倒溜, 有的漂亮的女孩子穿着短裙配着黑马甲快速从我身边穿过, 有几个孩子手拉手, 前面的打头, 带着一群从广场穿梭, 尖叫,欢笑,与汗水衬托着青春. 有个女孩子穿着迷彩装特别酷, 她在一个男孩子面前直打圈圈. 旁边的中年姐姐门跳着健身舞, 还有那么一两对在跳Waltz, 我的一个小外甥在滑板上围着我一圈圈.

躺在床上, 不想醒来, 昨天的生活就象一场梦, 天空总是那么蓝, 你无论去什么地方旅游都不怎么担心有太多人挤在一起. 还有那真正的安静, 人与人之间的距离, 好象这一切一切在慢慢离我远去. 我使劲想抓住, 可惜这些真的在我指间溜走. 我可能需要段时间, 好好适应.

I haven’t ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologise that once again I’m not in love
but it’s not as if I mind that your heart ain’t exactly breaking
it’s just a thought, only a thought

but if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
well I deserve nothing more than I get
cos nothing I have is truly mine

I”ve always thought that I would love to live by the sea
to travel the world alone and live more simply
I have no idea what’s happened to that dream
cos there’s really nothing left here to stop me
it’s just a thought, only a thought

but if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
well I deserve nothing more than I get
cos nothing I have is truly mine

while my heart is a shield and I won’t let it down
while I am so afraid to fail so I won’t even try
well how can I say I’m alive

but if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
well I deserve nothing more than I get
cos nothing I have is truly mine