Dream of Invocation

再次回到家忽然觉得对这么熟悉的地方多了几分留恋。想到小时候看过的武侠电视剧，总是希望自己能象里面的主人公行走江湖、逢凶化吉、行侠仗义、遇贵人、会美人。而这些好像跟自己现在的生活并不搭边，不知何时自己很容易看到危机、变的迟疑猜忌，让自己止步不前。

觉得自己的生活总是迷失一陈子接着目标的清晰。迷失是因为遇到困难很容易逃避，清晰是新的转机出现时候又变得野心勃勃。姐姐说我是个逃兵，我心服口服。遇到困难时，自己总容易想到退路，而且很容易踏上去，加上一大堆理由说服别人，欺骗自己。而自己又暗暗觉得失去的可惜，当修整和准备都差不多的时候又试图自负得觉得自己没什么困难战胜不了。

或许这也正是生活的连续，自己现在在迷失的阶段，也是很难走的一段经历。就象推迟一年去英国的那些日子，后来觉得自己能胜任在英国的学习；就象在英国有可能去不了好大学读硕士的阶段，后来去了ICMA学了自己最想学的专业；就象现在离自己定位很遥远，祈祷自己能一步步实现自己的目标。

记得Oliver问过我: are you going to marry after you graduate? 我说no, I haven’t think about baby or something like that, I really dislike children. 他说: life is different of stages, you probably won’t believe what you said when you are ready.

The second snow in 2009 as I know dropped at the end of September in Chinese calendar, my mum told me it never had happened so early in her life. My father left in the morning, of course with much disappointment. The snow somehow showed my cold heart, like falling to the bottom of the current life cycle. It reminds me when I moved to Reading last year, observing people moving in and moving out, I was wondering where could I go when I graduate. It become an obvious question now. After months’ time hunting for a proper job, I am still waiting right here and staying in the room. I questioned myself and the society, maybe I don’t really know enough about the society, nor am I so outstanding. Initially I was confident, well prepared both mentally and physically when flying back. But when I know more how the capital market functions, and become familiar with how competitive the graduates are, I am lost and find no way; the only last thing left is the little worthless honur. Moreover, the invisible relationship could strongly influence the distribution of the job opportunities.

When I was trying to watch the newly released film about the end of the world, I came across the film about the founding of the country. They began with nothing but ended with everything, it was tough and risky in all the steps. Maybe I should change my attitude, lower down my expectation, forget what I have learnt, and accept how the society is going on. Otherwise I could be banished by the society. Another thing I could carry on is keep believing, I should and I will.

昨天去戏院广场溜冰, 6姐准备跟妈妈坐旋转木马, 妈妈说她怕, 所以就搁浅了. 后来5姐回忆, 她说, 咱小时候还真没坐过旋转木马, 不过咱在黄鹤楼旁边坐过飞机, 记得那时候是在黄鹤楼下来去了游乐场, 爸爸给我们买好票, 然后我们两人共一驾, 飞机只有两个按纽, 一个控制高一个控制低. 我也清楚记得那些童年的点滴, 她们总把我当宝贝, 保护着我. 回家过中秋节, 这么多年后大家聚在一起, 喝酒, 赏月, 作诗吟词. 我还是生疏的步伐滑动在广场, 发现身边穿过的年青人滑的好快, 有些帅气的孩子光着膀子倒溜, 有的漂亮的女孩子穿着短裙配着黑马甲快速从我身边穿过, 有几个孩子手拉手, 前面的打头, 带着一群从广场穿梭, 尖叫,欢笑,与汗水衬托着青春. 有个女孩子穿着迷彩装特别酷, 她在一个男孩子面前直打圈圈. 旁边的中年姐姐门跳着健身舞, 还有那么一两对在跳Waltz, 我的一个小外甥在滑板上围着我一圈圈.

躺在床上, 不想醒来, 昨天的生活就象一场梦, 天空总是那么蓝, 你无论去什么地方旅游都不怎么担心有太多人挤在一起. 还有那真正的安静, 人与人之间的距离, 好象这一切一切在慢慢离我远去. 我使劲想抓住, 可惜这些真的在我指间溜走. 我可能需要段时间, 好好适应.

I haven’t ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologise that once again I’m not in love
but it’s not as if I mind that your heart ain’t exactly breaking
it’s just a thought, only a thought

but if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
well I deserve nothing more than I get
cos nothing I have is truly mine

I”ve always thought that I would love to live by the sea
to travel the world alone and live more simply
I have no idea what’s happened to that dream
cos there’s really nothing left here to stop me
it’s just a thought, only a thought

but if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
well I deserve nothing more than I get
cos nothing I have is truly mine

while my heart is a shield and I won’t let it down
while I am so afraid to fail so I won’t even try
well how can I say I’m alive

but if my life is for rent and I don’t learn to buy
well I deserve nothing more than I get
cos nothing I have is truly mine